I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Randomize
