I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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