once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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