I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
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