party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Randomize
