some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
