I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
