How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Randomize
