Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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