you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
