god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
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