Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
