just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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