last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
