I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
Everything about him screamed your future.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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