Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
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