I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
