Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I want to be your penis for a week.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
