How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
