just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Randomize
