i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
