thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
