I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
