I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
