if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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