have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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