so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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