He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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