apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
