I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Randomize
