The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Randomize