I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
