For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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