She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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