Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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