you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Vodka?
Forever.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
