My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
