What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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