I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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