she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
