Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
