I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Everything about him screamed your future.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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