I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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