I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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