Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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