My room smells like vodka and shame
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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