I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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