my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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