I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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