Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
im on a boat
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