At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize