Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
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