your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
