My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
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