like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
