Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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