one two three fourrrrnication!
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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