I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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