my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Randomize
