I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
