I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
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