I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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