Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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