I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
