one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Randomize
