I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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